A Changed Life Read online

  I was feeling hot, and my skin felt like it was on fire. Simon must have shifted through the night, because he was sleeping so peacefully on his side. My pajamas were soaked in sweat, and I tried to move without waking Simon. I padded my way to the bathroom, and suddenly felt a burst of liquid run down between my legs. Blood started pouring out of me, and then the pain hit me like a freight truck. I let out a cry for help, and the next thing I saw was Simon bursting through the door, shocked at what he saw. I felt the ground moving, and my head feel dizzy. I was beginning to fall, and felt Simon catch me in his arms as I drifted into unconsciousness. My eyes were rolling to the back of my head, while Simon was on the phone with the 911 operator. He was pleading with me to stay with him.

  The paramedics arrived, and I was placed onto a stretcher and lifted into the ambulance. Simon was holding my hand, and crying over me. I was drifting in and out, while the sirens were blaring. I felt a sharp stick to my arm, and my face was being covered with a mask. All I heard were strange voices calling out my vitals over a speaker, and heard someone say eta ten minutes. Simon was shouting at me to stay awake. “Baby, please open your eyes, and stay with me. Don’t you leave me, Nicolette!” I tried to keep my eyes open as I listened to Simon’s painful and panicked sobs.

  I felt helpless as I watched Nicolette being taken away from me into an examining room. I had her blood all over me. My heart ached for my girl, and what was happening to her. Thank god it was Dr. Jonas that was on call tonight. She knew me very well, but insisted I stay outside, and wait for her to examine Nicolette. I needed to call Nicolette’s parents, and I took out my cell phone with a trembling hand, and dialed their number. It was around five a.m. When her father answered his cell half asleep, I told him what had happened, and where we were. He said they would get to us as soon as they could. Not even a half hour later, Mason and Christina Vanelle were running through the emergency room doors, and demanding to know where their daughter was. Taking in the sight of me, Mason grabbed hold of me, and asked me what had happened to Nicolette. I broke down in his arms, because I couldn’t hold back my emotions any longer. “Simon, it’s ok son… we’re here now. Please tell us what happened with Nicolette?” Her father was incredibly calm and patient with me.

  I told Nicolette’s parents that we were asleep, and the next thing I know, I was hearing her scream from the bathroom. She was standing in a pool of her own blood holding her stomach in pain. Her mother clasped her hands over her mouth and said, “She’s losing the baby.” I didn’t know what to say. I had Nicolette’s blood all over me, and now my girl was going through a miscarriage. I never felt so helpless in my life, and I wasn’t allowed to be with her.

  We waited for more than four hours to hear some news on Nicolette. Dr. Jonas finally emerged from the O.R., where Nicolette needed emergency surgery. We were told that Nicolette had suffered a miscarriage along with a uterine tear to her placenta causing the monstrous hemorrhage. We all sat down away from the open waiting room to learn more about Nicolette’s condition.

  Dr. Jonas explained that Nicolette was barely healed from the sexual assault she endured, which caused much damage to her uterine wall. It was very rare that she was even able to get pregnant, after experiencing a trauma in the manner she did. Her body most likely rejected the pregnancy resulting in her miscarriage.

  With the tear to her placenta, an infection was also evident, and this is why she was running a fever. Dr. Jonas speculated that Nicolette had to have known something was wrong. By the time, Dr. Jonas operated on Nicolette, her infection was quite severe, and hadn’t appeared to look like it just started. I never have felt so sick in my life, and I ran to the nearest garbage can and puked my guts up. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I’m here in this fucking hospital, again, and I can’t do anything for her. I needed to get out of here, but couldn’t bear to leave her. I just cleaned myself up in the bathroom, and told her parents I would be outside until I could visit with her. Dr. Jonas had said that she would be in recovery for an hour or so, I called my parents while I waited.

  My dad and brothers took a day trip out to Big Bear. My mom was staying behind. She was actually in the area of the hospital when I called her. My mom joined me fifteen minutes later. I had my head in my hands when my mom found me outside the emergency room entrance. Taking me in her arms, I broke down and cried in defeat. This was rare and very unusual for me. I was always able to control my feelings. Today I couldn’t and truly needed my mom to comfort me. I felt completely broken, and never more so alone than at this very moment.

  “Simon, please tell me what happened with Nicolette?” I explained everything to my mom from the time we arrived at the beach house until waking up this morning. She gave me words of encouragement that I needed to be positive and strong for Nicolette, but somehow I was angry all at the same time.

  “Mom, Nicolette had to have known something was wrong? I felt a pulsating pain throughout my head. I now put it all together after hearing what Dr. Jonas had said and talking with my mom. Nicolette did know, and never said a fucking word to me! How could she be so reckless with her health, and not tell me? My heart began to beat rapidly. What if I didn’t get Nicolette to the hospital in time? I could have lost her, never knowing why she kept this from me. Why did she do this, mom? I’m so angry, I can’t see straight.” I hit the wall with my clenched fists.

  “Simon, stop it right now and sit with me. Punching walls is not going to help, Nicolette.” I slowly calmed down, and sat with my mother. I was in shock that Nicolette put herself at risk, so she wouldn’t upset me or anyone else.

  I knew she was in no shape to discuss this with me now, but I had to know what the hell she was thinking by keeping this from me. Why I was so oblivious not to see how sick she really was?

  “Simon, you don’t know if Nicolette knew how sick she was. She wasn’t far into her pregnancy at all, and how could she understand all the changes that were happening to her body and all at once?”

  “Mom, you don’t know Nicolette like I do. She can be extremely stubborn, and headstrong. She doesn’t trust me, mom. I tell her every day how I feel about her, and I beg her to believe me. Now when she needs me the most, she still can’t be honest and tell me what’s wrong. When I’m around Nicolette, it’s like all logical thinking goes out the window. I am blinded with my love for her. She is all I think about mom, and now here we are again, in this hospital, and she won’t let me help her.”

  “Simon, anyone could see how you feel about Nicolette. I know it has taken me some time to accept your relationship with her, and I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I was worried that you would be hurt again. I now see that you two belong together, and love each other very much. Take some time to calm down, and give Nicolette a chance to explain things to you Simon. She loves you, and she does trust you. You have to be patient with her, and very careful. She is incredibly strong and inspiring. She has gone through so much in the past few months, and she is still standing, Simon. She is with you, doesn’t that tell you something?” I had no words for my mom, but she made total sense. All I could do was hug her, hoping my actions were enough to show her what I couldn’t say.

  My cell phone had gone off while talking with my mom. Nicolette was awake, and was asking for me. My mother joined her parents for coffee, while I went in to sit with my girl. I pulled a chair over to the side of the bed that was wire free. Nicolette had an I.V. in her arm with two bags of liquid going through it. She looked so pale with a mist of sweat on her forehead, and I could feel the heat pumping off of her as I kissed her. Nicolette was on a strong dose of antibiotics to fight the infection.

  I looked at my beautiful girl in this hospital bed, and all I could do was let out my cries for her. I was done being strong, when the sight of her had just weakened me. Nicolette reached for my hand, and I kissed hers when we locked our fingers together. The first thing she said was, “I’m sorry” with more tears following from the both of us.

  “Why didn�
�t you tell me, Nicolette?” I hated to ask her, but I needed to know.

  “At first, I thought it was nothing, and told my mom. She explained some things to me, and even gave me the baby book to read. We both agreed that what I was feeling was normal, and not to worry about it. The next couple of days after first feeling sick, I began to experience sharp pains, but they always subsided. I wasn’t bleeding so I wasn’t worried. I read more, and talked with my mom. I believed this was all normal for a beginning pregnancy.”

  “I’ll ask you again, Nicolette. Why didn’t you come to me, and tell me right away that you were sick? The night we had dinner at your house, was that the first time you felt the pain?” The way Nicolette was looking at me, I already had my answer. That was days ago, and she has been suffering ever since.

  “Simon, I’m sorry for not being honest with you. I should have told you the truth. I just didn’t want to hurt you, and cause you to worry. You had the track meet to get through, and win for the school. If I would have told you than your mind would have been focused on me, and not the team.” Hearing Nicolette explain to me why she didn’t tell me was like sticking a knife through my stomach, and twisting it. She didn’t want to bother me? She kept her pain hidden from me, and it completely shattered me.

  “Nicolette, don’t you know by now, how important you are to me? There is nothing more important to me than you. You should have told me, Nicolette. Keeping your sickness from me, it put your health at risk, and I could have lost you. Where would that have left me? You need to talk to me, Nicolette, and always be honest with me.” I cupped her face, and kissed her gently. I didn’t know any other way to get through to her.

  How could I explain to Simon without causing him more pain, and making him feel guilty for not knowing I had been sick?

  “Simon, I was telling you the truth when I believed what I was feeling was normal. At my last appointment with Dr. Jonas, we had discussed the possible risk about being pregnant, after sustaining the injuries that I had. I knew my insides were still healing, and suffering a miscarriage could be a possibility. I was encouraged to just take it day by day, and wait it out.”

  “Nicolette, this is exactly what I am talking about. Don’t you think as your boyfriend, I had a right to know this information? Damn it, Nicolette! I had already accepted this baby as my own. I had a right to know, and I am completely confused by your actions.”

  “I’m sorry, Simon.”

  “Baby, I don’t want your fucking apologies. I want your trust! What more can I do or say for you to give that to me?”

  Simon had left my side, and paced the room, leaning his head against the wall. If I wasn’t lying here in this bed, I would have run to him, and wrap my arms around him. He looked so lost, and it was completely my fault.

  Simon declared his unconditional love, and his promise to help me raise this baby, had I chosen to keep it. It was an amazing and generous offer on his part. The fact remains that this innocent baby was created from an act of violence, and I didn’t feel elated about it, although I was sure I could not go through with an abortion, and didn’t know if I would be able to love and raise Michael’s baby. I was so conflicted with my love for Simon, and my hatred for Michael that I was forced into an impossible situation.

  To put Simon at ease, I did tell him that I wasn’t experiencing the pain all the time, and I truly felt better when we were at the beach house. I begged him to believe me. If this baby was meant to be, than I would survive it. If not, then I would accept, and this would be one more thing I would have to move on from. The way Simon was looking at me was scaring the hell out of me. I couldn’t read what his face was saying, as he just remained quiet and shut down.

  I used Simon’s words back at him, and begged him to talk to me.

  “Simon, please don’t hide from me. Please talk to me, and tell me how you feel.”

  “I don’t know, Nicolette.” Simon barely spoke above a whisper. He said I scared him more now at this moment than when he had to see me after Michael raped me. To witness me lying in my own blood almost made his heart stop. He didn’t know what to do or what was happening. To know that I may have prevented this, just angered and confused him even more.

  I said sorry over and over again until he told me to stop. I was wondering in silence if this was Simon’s breaking point? Would he leave me after this? I was sickened by what was running through my mind. Before I could say another word to him, the girls along with Sam and Jameson came in to visit with me. Simon must have called them.

  Everyone was speaking all at once, and I hadn’t noticed Simon slip out through the door. My heart stopped, and I knew that I had to face the possibility he had enough, and this could be the end for us.

  I was led to a meeting room, where I usually meet with my father or lawyer. I already had meetings this morning with John, so I wondered who could be visiting me now. My hand was secured to the usual spot on the desk where I sat, and waited for my visitor to arrive.

  The door opened and to my surprise, Simon Paulson was standing before me. “What the hell do you want?” I asked Simon, as he shot daggers at me from his cold eyes. He looked unhinged and frightening. I was handcuffed after all, and he could easily come at me. Simon sat down facing me with only the table separating us. “How did you manage to get in here?” I asked Simon. “I have my ways Michael, that’s all you need to know.”

  “I’m guessing daddy pulled some strings?”

  Simon just replied, “No different than what your father does for you.”

  I can’t even explain what led me here today, but I found myself begging my father to help me after leaving Nicolette at the hospital. I felt like I was suffocating and couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out of there, so I slipped out when she wasn’t looking. I feel ashamed for my actions knowing they would probably hurt her. I can only hope she will forgive me.

  “To answer your question Michael... I’m here because I needed to see the poor excuse for a human being, who stalked my girlfriend for months. You couldn’t accept her not wanting you. You did what only a coward would do. You brutally raped her, and left her broken, you son of a bitch. You robbed her of her innocence, and all the beauty she had within her soul. Your ugliness shattered her, and here you sit looking like you have no remorse for your actions.”

  “I’m done here, Simon. Guard!” Michael called out.

  “No one is coming for you, Michael. Shut the hell up”, I wasn’t done yet. “My Nicolette. Do you hear me Michael! MY GIRLFRIEND! She will carry the scars of what you did to her for the rest of her life. You ripped her insides apart causing permanent damage.”

  “Not only does she carry the memories from your merciless rape, but she is now physically scarred by you. You accomplished what you set out to do. You got your revenge on me, and left a permanent mark on her. She’s all bled out Michael, we both are. Nicolette has nothing left, but the shell of a person she used to be. If I could, I would break every bone in your body. I would do it slowly as you scream for mercy like my girl did”.

  “I would bleed you out the way Nicolette did when you raped her. One way or another St. Clair, you will pay for what you did to Nicolette. As long as I draw breath, I will make sure you pay.”

  “You’ve had your say Paulson. I have sat here, and listened to every vile word that has come out of your mouth. Will you allow me to ask a question?”

  “What could you possibly ask me, Michael? And what makes you think, I will tell you?”

  “Nicolette, I want to know how she is.”

  “Oh my god, do you think I’m lying? Are you that deluded Michael, to believe that she is fine, and has gone on with her life as if nothing happened?”

  With all my rage, I tightened my fist and punched Michael as hard as I could, directly in his face. I hit him so hard; he flung backwards, falling off his chair while his arm was still handcuffed to the table. I leaned over him, as he wept like the coward he is.

  “Don’t ever mention her name again, St. Clair. Y
ou will get what you deserve, but it won’t come from me. I won’t risk going to jail, and leave the girl I love behind just to spite you.”

  Simon left me on the floor, and walked out. I shouted for the guard until he finally came in. I told him that I was just assaulted, and I wanted Simon arrested. The guard just picked me up, unlocked my cuff, and walked me back to my cell. I screamed at him. “Look at my face, he hit me.” The guard just laughed at me, and said he didn’t see anything. For all he knew, I tripped. “Fuck you, do you hear me? I’ll have your job for this.” The door slammed, and I was once again left alone in my cell.

  I knew I pushed my luck by hitting Michael, but I just couldn’t take his smug face looking back at me. I thanked the cop who helped me get in to see Michael. He shook my hand, and handed me the video to the conference room that had me hitting Michael on it. The cop leaned into me, and asked me to deliver a message to my father. “Tell your father, we’re even now.” I nodded at him, and got out of there. I don’t know what my father did for this man, and it wasn’t my business to know. My father was a very influential lawyer, and guessing he has many unpaid debts out there. I was thankful I could use one of them.

  It’s been a few hours since I left Nicolette, and I needed to get back to her, and hopefully make her understand why I needed some time to think.

  I had quickly returned back to the beach house, and noticed the bathroom had been cleaned, erasing the scene that had taken place here early this morning. My mom had left a note for me. She had cleaned, and took care of it. I stretched my body across our bed, and inhaled Nicolette’s beautiful scent. Our perfect night was a mere memory. I screamed into my pillow, letting out my cries until my throat felt raw.

  My pain was crippling me. How could I help Nicolette get through this? I didn’t have any answers, and I now knew that I needed help dealing with this, so that I can be strong for her.