A Changed Life Read online

  I quickly took a shower, and made my way back to Nicolette. I was just about to enter her room, as Dr. Jonas was coming out. I asked how she was feeling. Dr. Jonas replied, “It’s been a rough afternoon. She’s been in some pain, but it’s normal due to the procedure and infection she has.”

  Dr. Jonas looked very wise beyond her years. She put her hand to my shoulder, and told me that I am Nicolette’s best medicine. “She needs you more than you know.” And with that she walked away leaving me to take a few deep breaths before entering her room.

  I slowly opened the door to see her sleeping soundly. Nicolette’s hair cascaded over her pillow, and her long lashes were fluttering between her breaths. Her cheeks looked rosy, and her lips crimson and desirable. She truly looked beautiful. I just wanted to hold her, and never let her go.

  I ever so gently crawled in beside her, and I held her in my arms. I kept promising to love her forever, and asked her to forgive me for leaving her.

  I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes, I had the most gorgeous brown eyes staring back at me. Nicolette leaned into me, and kissed my lips, asking me how I was. How selfless of her to ask about me when I should have been the one asking her the same question.

  “I’m so happy you came back to me, Simon. Please forgive me, and try to understand why I didn’t tell you that I was sick.” I stopped her apologies and kissed her lips, wanting to drop the subject and just hold her. Nicolette has been through more pain, and suffering that no one should have to endure. There was nothing to forgive. I had worked it all out before returning to her. All that mattered was getting her well. She never asked me where I went after I left, and I didn’t volunteer it either.

  “Are you happy you’re finally going home, baby?” I asked Nicolette as she settled into her seat. “Yes, I am so relieved. I hate hospitals, and now more than ever before.”

  “I spoke to your mom and dad before picking you up; they want you to come right home instead of the usual detour I always seem to take you on.” I laughed along with Simon. “We do tend to do that often, but I understand my parents wanting me home.” I don’t argue, and agree to their request.

  I am greeted by Gracie as she leads me into the family room, where my parents are waiting for me with the prosecutor assigned to my case. William Jennings was a very serious man, even more so today. He asked me to have a seat, so we could talk. I could feel Simon’s grip tightening on my hand.

  “Nicolette,” Mr. Jennings hung his head low. “There’s no easy way to say this, but as of this morning, Michael has been granted bail, and released to the custody of his father.” My mother gasped in shock, and my dad cursed under his breath. Simon clenched his fist, while the other hand remained a death grip on my thigh.

  All eyes were on me waiting for my reaction to this news. I stood up, and paced the room now facing Mr. Jennings. “Is Michael under house arrest with a monitoring system, or he is truly free to go anywhere he pleases?” I asked him.

  “Yes, Nicolette. He is wearing an ankle monitor.” I was wondering how much money Clayton had to pay for his son’s freedom.

  “I guess that’s that,” I said as I made my way over to the bar, and poured myself some cool water.

  “We won’t let him near you, Nicolette.” My father stood up, and made his way toward me. I turned, and looked at my father with a warning not to touch me. I was seething with anger and contempt for Michael. When would this nightmare end? I didn’t hold back my voice, and unleashed my wrath.

  “Not one person in this room truly knows and understands Michael St. Clair. It has taken me months of analyzing every detail of my interactions with him to finally get what makes him tick. He needs control, total one-hundred-percent control, and when I rejected him, he lost what he craved the most. So many people have tried to convince me that he has goodness within him. Hey, I almost believed it at one time, but after how he raped me, it’s difficult for me to believe he has any good in him. His mother dying the way she did, and his father shutting him out, I’m sure damaged him on more levels that I can even say. It’s clear that he is not going to take any plea deals you offered to him. Mr. Jennings, how the hell is Michael going to pay for what he has done to me?”

  Mr. Jennings simply replied. “We go to court, and fight him.”

  I huff. “Yeah, but in a very public setting where everyone will know my identity, and I’ll be attacked all over again.”

  “My office will try our best to have this trial contained, and closed off to the media. I believe Mr. St. Clair doesn’t want negative publicity either.”

  I scoff. “I guess not with Grammy season around the corner, and the Oscars after that.”

  “I’m sorry, Nicolette. My hands are tied.”

  “Yeah? Mine were too, Mr. Jennings. When he was raping me!” I was disgusted, and I turned to leave the room.

  “Nicolette, please wait and talk to us.” My mother called out to me.

  “I can’t be here anymore mom. This doesn’t feel like home to me. Maybe it never was. Mr. Jennings, do I need to be directly involved for the preliminary hearings?”

  “Well no, not exactly Nicolette.”

  Now looking over at Simon, I knew what I was going to say next would devastate him. “Ok then, I’m leaving town for a while, as of tonight.” I turned away, and walked upstairs to my room so I could pack. I didn’t know if I would ever be returning to this house.

  I was still in pain, and I was moving slower than I wanted to, surely this wasn’t good for my recovery. I needed to get out of here, and go somewhere I could feel safe. This home was not that place.

  I took out a small bag from my closet, and only packing the essentials that I needed. I wasn’t sure how long I would be away for. My door opened, and Simon was standing there crest fallen, and totally lost.

  “Are you running again, Nicolette?” Was all Simon said in a cold tone directed right at me, and through my heart? I ignored him, and kept packing my suitcase until he came over to me, picking it up, and throwing it across my room. I closed my eyes tightly, as I knew my actions were hurting him.

  Simon closed in on me, grabbing both my arms, and locking them behind my back. “Please Nicolette, stay with me. I love you.” I couldn’t look at him. If I did, he would break my self-control, and I would surrender to him.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t do this, Simon.” He released his hold on me, and combed his fingers through his hair in vexation.

  “Is there anything I can say to you that I haven’t already Nicolette?”

  “No, there isn’t Simon. I’m sorry.”

  “Yes, Nicolette, you keep saying that, but yet here you are, leaving me again. I am beginning to wonder if you ever loved me at all.” His voice cracked with his words, piercing my heart.

  “You know that’s not true, Simon. How could you believe that I don’t love you?”

  “I believe it Nicolette, because you won’t stay with me. Nicolette, you promised me no more running. We, as a couple, would face our problems together. Now faced with another obstacle in this cluster fuck with Michael, you decide to give up and leave me. I don’t understand this, Nicolette. What about your family and friends? What about me and our life together? I stood silent, and picked up my bag, and began packing again. I stood and watched the love of my life simply back her bag, as if it was nothing. Nicolette knows my feelings are true for her. After all she has been put through and I can’t be the one that forces her to stay. I now know I have to let her go, and silently pray she comes back to me. Where will you go, Nicolette?”

  “I’m going back to Chicago to see my Uncle Jack, and from there, I’m flying to Switzerland.”

  What the hell? “Did I hear you right? You’re going on the other side of the world?” Simon’s face just flamed with anger. “Yes, I’m going to Switzerland. Dr. Jonas and I have discussed continuing my therapy at a clinic she knows of. It has everything I need.” Dammit Nicolette, I’m everything you need.

  “Do your parents know?”
Simon questioned again. “They do, Simon. We talked after you left me in the hospital. Hearing her say after I left her wounded me deeply. I wanted to prepare them of the possibility of me leaving.”

  “Is this your way of punishing me? Nicolette, I might have left you for a few hours, but I never intended on leaving you forever, like you are doing to me right now.”

  “I’m not punishing you, Simon. I would never do that to you. With Michael free, I can’t be here.”

  “Nicolette, you don’t have to travel to the other side of the world to feel safe. You have me, and I will never let him or anyone ever hurt you again. If you don’t want to live here, I will pack up your room right now, and take you home to the beach house.”

  “Simon, I can’t go back to the beach house. I’m not ready. I just need you to respect my wishes, and let me go. I need to think, and be alone for a while.”

  “How long will you be gone for? What about finishing school?”

  “It’s already been taken care of. I had made arrangements with my guidance counselor, and Principle Davies in the event I don’t return to school. I will finish the remainder of my senior year through on-line classes.”

  “You thought of everything, Nicolette, haven’t you? You strategically planned out every last detail of your life, and didn’t bother to mention one word to me.” Simon looked crushed, and I hated to hurt him. I was praying I wouldn’t ever have to tell him any of this. I never wanted to leave Simon, but I had no choice, and there was nothing else to say.

  He pulled me into his arms, and begged me to stay with him, asking me to marry him tomorrow. My tears were flowing from my eyes, and I kissed him, before I walked out of his arms, and for all I knew out of his life forever. I left Simon standing there in my bedroom crying. I wanted to just run toward him, and beg forgiveness. I kept on walking, and never looking back at my broken man.

  A car was waiting for me when I arrived downstairs. My parents already knew what I was doing, and they couldn’t stop me if they tried. So, they let me go. I hugged them both, and Gracie, too. “Please take care of Simon. He’s still in my room.”

  “I will baby, will you call us?”

  Mom pleaded with me to call and stay in touch. I nodded, and stepped into the limo. I couldn’t catch my breath, and I shouted over to the driver to hurry and go.

  I didn’t know how much time passed until Christina and Mason walked through the door. I had been in Nicolette’s bedroom for more than 2 hours. They let me be while I worked out my feelings. I was clutching a framed photo of the two of us taken on the night of her birthday party. She looked so beautiful, and her eyes shone like diamonds when she looked at me. I wanted to go back to that moment instead of being stuck in this hell I am living with. Now she’s left me, with no promise on returning. Christina pulled me into a hug, and promised me that Nicolette would return to us. She just needs to work through her pain. I wanted to believe Christina with all my heart, but I just had doubts that were never there until today. I shook her father’s hand, and left the Vanelle home.

  Mason had phoned my father, and told him what happened. I made my way over to my jeep to see my three brothers waiting for me. They had extended their stay here in California. I was so hurt by Nicolette leaving me. I saw the look on their faces, and I knew I couldn’t hold back anymore. I charged my brothers like a bull. They knew I was hurting, and all three of them hugged me, letting me fight through my pain.

  My father kept his distance, and I wasn’t ready to hear, “I told you so.” Not that he would to that me, but I couldn’t stand if he did. I never was a drinker. I hated when people lost control due to alcohol, and thoughts of Jennifer occupied my mind. Anything was better than this pain I was feeling. I still couldn’t come to terms with the reality of Nicolette leaving me. When I picked her up from the hospital, she was so happy, and now she’s gone. I need to dull the ache, and took a shot of my father’s favorite scotch. He walked in as I was downing my second drink. He didn’t try to stop me, but he did offer advice. “Drinking her away will not bring her back to you, Simon.”

  “You could be right, dad, but at least I won’t be able to feel anything.”

  I eventually stopped after the fourth shot. Jacob threw me over his shoulders, and put me to bed. He stayed with me in case I threw up, and I just went to sleep aching for Nicolette while she took over my dreams.

  Saying goodbye to California, and the new life I had was haunting my dreams. I missed my family, and my friends. The one person who never left my mind was Simon. How I hurt him when I walked out, and left him in my bedroom. I missed him every minute of every day to the point where I felt sick. He would have done anything I would have asked of him, had I gave him the chance. I wasn’t strong enough to stay with him. I was still afraid, and not completely trusting my heart. I had kept in minimum contact with Alexis, and Bailey. My parents called me frequently, but half the time, I ignored their calls. As for Simon, I severed all communication with him completely.

  I needed to give him a clean break from me. I hurt him too much, and I wanted him to forget me, and move on with his life. Bailey tried to tell me how much he missed me, and how Simon changed after I left him. Simon stayed close to Sam, but he was shutting the rest of the world out. Bailey called to tell me that the senior numbers were out. Simon had been chosen to be this year’s valedictorian for our school, and I was named second in our graduating class.

  Through everything, I remained an A student. No one knew, including me, how I was able to accomplish that feat. I had always challenged myself through school. Along with my love for the arts and music, school came easy for me. I was beginning to contemplate what I was going to do with my life after high school, I had no clue. I was in touch with Mr. Jennings from the district attorney’s office, and he had told me that my parents had filed a twenty five million dollar civil lawsuit against the St. Clair family.

  I guess if my parents couldn’t change what happened to me, at least they would get the satisfaction of draining Clayton’s wallet. I didn’t care one way or another. Mr. Jennings told me that a trial date had been set for July 13th, 2009. I would have to be there, he said. I agreed I would be.

  Physically my body was now completely healed. It was my heart that needed to be worked on. I never stopped loving Simon, not even for one day. I considered calling to congratulate him, and my fingers trembled as I dialed his number.

  I wasn’t able to reach him, only getting his voice mail. Simon never changed his cheery greeting. It made me smile, and miss even more to hear his voice.

  His greeting was…

  Hey you’ve reached Simon. I’m probably surfing, or hanging with my girl. Yeah, I’m with my girl. Leave a message at the beep.

  Tears were falling down my cheeks, hearing his voice again after all this time broke my heart. I held my phone to my chest, and cursing my unwillingness for not leaving him a message. I cried for hours, until my group therapist found me tangled up in my blankets. “Come on, Nicolette. Let’s talk it out in group.” I left my phone, and joined in on the session.

  “Hey man, thanks for getting me out there today.” I high fived Sam, and then Jameson. Those waves were killer, and I haven’t been able to smile in a long while. Surfing with my friends allowed me to break free of the walls I had put up after Nicolette had left me. I started to peel my wet suit from my body, and noticed my phone was flashing.

  I checked my phone and, I saw that I had a missed call from Nicolette. I fell to my knees, and had to catch my breath. Sam ran over to check on me, and was just as shocked as I was. My heart hurt again. Nicolette called me, and I missed it.

  I frantically checked my phone. She didn’t leave me a message, and I threw my phone against the rocks smashing it to pieces.

  “Come on man. You need to calm down. What’s going on?” Asked Jameson. “Nicolette happened!” I shouted at my friends, “She fucking called me, and I missed her call, Fuck!” I screamed again.

  “Simon, call her back.” Pleaded Sam.
I shook my head at him saying no.

  “I can’t do this anymore. If she wanted to talk to me, she would have left a message. She obviously regretted her decision to call me.” I was determined to break free of Nicolette. This is not what I wanted, hell no! I wanted her, but I just didn’t know how to get her back. I didn’t try to force her to stay and did what she asked me to do. I let her be, and respected her wishes.

  After sleeping off my jet lag for the past two days, I woke up to a bright sunny, May morning in Chicago. I showered and dressed, and made my way downstairs to greet Uncle Jack and Aunt Sara. “Good morning, my beauty.” Uncle Jack kissed my forehead, and I returned his good morning back to him, and then hugged Aunt Sara. “You look amazing, Nicolette. The Swiss air really did wonders for you.”

  I agreed with my aunt, being away far from the world I knew helped me a great deal. I put myself through intensive therapy sessions. I was working with an amazing therapist, who Dr. Jonas recommended. The girls who were in my group were a diverse mix of women.

  They had all seen tragedy in their lives, and they were determined to reclaim the lives that were taken from them. I learned so much, and as I leaned on them, they leaned on me, and we became a family. Once I made the decision to return home, I knew there was only one place I needed to be. First, I needed to go to Chicago to visit my beloved city and my Uncle Jack and then home to Simon.

  Every time I thought of Simon, he equaled home in my heart. After leaving the way I did, I had no way of knowing how Simon would react upon my return. I was praying he would at least talk to me, and give me a chance to explain some things to him. I had no right to even ask or expect him to, but it was my turn to put my heart out on the line for the man I loved. I had my parents and their support. They couldn’t wait, and were so excited for my return.